STERKWORKS | Ex-Mormon Lesbian Rocking Utah

Yogurt is an interesting marketing study, as it is repackaged every two or so years depending on what the latest diet trend is. Currently, it is being marketed to help digestive conditions. Well duh, that is how it was being marketed in the 70s when I first tasted it.

I try to do no sugar. And I purchase my regular food items knowing what does and doesn’t work for me. So on my last trip to the grocery store, I didn’t find my regular yogurt brand. I saw Yoplait Light Fat Free. On the left of the front panel, the label said “With Aspartame …” Great. I buy a six-pack.

The first suck of yogurt, (one doesn’t take a bite of yogurt, really), and I knew something was wrong. I looked at the front of the yogurt container again. “With Aspartame &” then on the next line, “Other Sweetener.” Notice the singular tense. I flipped the container over to read the nutritional info (which I do on all new products I buy, but hell, this one was sweetened with Aspartame so I didn’t think I needed to).

First ingredient: nonfat milk. Second ingredient: HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. Those ass sucking sons of Yoplait bitches. Aspartame was the tenth ingredient listed, right above the food colorings.

They promote this product as sweetened with Aspartame when it is really sweetened with high fructose corn syrup. Misleading, dishonest, immoral, and possibly deadly product labeling.

I called the Yoplait 800 number to complain and the customer service rep said she would pass along my sentiments. Then she said she would give me a refund. I didn’t care about a refund. I was pissed at their misleading labeling.

“What did you spend on the product and we’ll send you a check.”

“I don’t know.”

“Well take a guess.”

So I told her $500.

I am to expect a $3 check in the mail within the week. In the meantime, it looks like I have a little letter writing to do to the Utah department of agriculture, among other agencies. Fuckin French.

Filed under: Ranting, Health, Life Lessons, Am I Bad?, Marketing | 2 Comments »

I am obsessed with Chap Stick. I need it. I love it. I must have it. I must have it in many places and in great quantity.

I counted this morning. I have four tubes on top of my nightstand, two tubes in my nightstand drawer. One in my pocket (at all times), two in my purse, two in my desk at work. And I live if dread that I will run out. It didn’t used to be this way.

There was a time decades ago that I used tubes of Blistex. But as I always had to have a tube in my pocket, I found that when I retrieved a tube and took off the cap during the summer months, the product consistency was mushy. Too much body heat. So in those early years of obsession, I switched to Chap Stick for the summer months, and Blistex for the winter months. At some point, I realized I liked the Chap Stick better and took the plunge.

Yes, there are Chap Stick rules. It must be in a blue tube. The standard is Chap Stick Moisturizer with SPF15. If that isn’t available, I will settle for Chap Stick Medicated. If those aren’t available, as a last resort, the old fashioned plain Chap Stick in the black tube. Sorry Katy Perry, but if “I Kissed A Girl,” she wouldn’t taste cherry Chap Stick. No flavors. Yuck.

My lips need this obsession in this low humidity state of Utah, but it comes in handy for so many other things. While sitting on the freeway, rub some into my cuticles. Nice. Can’t get marks off of trade show booth graphics? Chap Stick works. Your five year old daughter’s feet go to sleep and she needs immediate relief? Rub on Chap Stick (this was just a total psych out, but it worked and sometimes my now 12 year old still asks for Chap Stick to rub on her feet when they go to sleep).

I have become comfortable knowing that I am, and always will be, a Chap Stick lesbian.

Filed under: gay, Humor, Lesbian, Normalcy | 5 Comments »

I had no deadlines. I had no projects. I didn’t give a shit that my house was a mess. It was a perfect evening.

My commute home from work was event free. I ordered pizza from the freeway and it arrived at my home as I pulled into my garage.

My daughter was thrilled to see me (or maybe it was really the pizza). We turned off all the lights, closed the blinds, ate pizza on the couch huddled under a blanket (we have to freeze out the downstairs before bedtime or it is too hot upstairs to sleep), and watched 10,000 BC on DVD.

We then retired to the bat cave (my bedroom) to watch the Daily Show and Colbert Report. While doing so, I implemented some computer ideas Photogirl66 gave me to get my daughter reconnected to her school email account. She hasn’t been able to communicate with her friends for three weeks. The ideas worked, and when I showed my daughter she could be online with her friends again, she burst into tears of joy.

A glass of red wine, a valium, and into bed I went. My daughter shut off everything later when she turned in, as it should be during the summer.

A perfect evening. They are too rare.

Filed under: Family, Normalcy | 3 Comments »

Yep. The three members of our HOA resigned effective July 30. One is moving. The asshat president is building another house, and the third one who knows. They are already short two members. Thanks for the five days notice guys.

So maybe now that the assholes leave, people will want to be on the board and do what the board is supposed to be doing. Or maybe nobody will step up and then who know what happens. Where do our HOA fee checks go?

I’ll have to see who volunteers to be on the board. If I could afford to move, I would. I guess I could, but not too keen about renting after the tax write offs of owning for 20 years. We’ll see what happens. Being away from home from 7am to 6pm every day, and spouseless with a child, doesn’t realistically give me the time to be on the board. I might be ambitious, but not crazy.

So, let’s see what chaos ensues.

Filed under: Ranting, Life Lessons, Miscellany | 2 Comments »

In Utah, July 24 is Pioneer Day. The day when the first party of Mormon pioneers came to Mexico, today known as the Salt Lake Valley. Actually, Brigham Young was sick, and I suspect that when he looked out of his wagon that morning and said “This Is The Right Place,” he was just tired of puking out the side of the covered wagon.

I work for a national company, so we don’t get the day off. My freeway commute was a breeze. But by the time I hit the city, it was packed. Because of construction downtown, the powers that be had the parade route go down the street to the west of my office building and the marathon route to the street east of my building. Thus, I had to weave my way through an array of roadblocks and cops to get to work.

Luckily, I work for an alcoholic company, and what better way to celebrate Pioneer Day than with a healthy breakfast of bagels and fruit. Oh yes, and no breakfast would be complete without some vodka. And I met FiddleyGomme for a beer lunch. Perfect nutrition for the day.

Having never seen the Pioneer Day parade in person before, me and two of my slacker co-workers walked to the corner to catch a bit of the festivities. I got to see everything I wanted…floats, horse poop, and Mormons.

Some lovely missionaries gave me some materials to share with my non-member friends. Yea. Now you understand my need for tattoos or nipple rings. I gave them to one of the friends who went with me, who is Mormon and from Brazil and she was thrilled for the free Mormon swag.

Overall it was a good day. I often debate about those pioneers, my ancestors. Were they lemmings following a cult leader to who knows where, just short of drinking the Kool Aid or waiting for God behind the comet? Or were they courageous souls who were living their convictions and doing what they thought was right, and to hell with everybody else. I hope the latter. I just wish they would have settled someplace where there were not so many Mormons.

Filed under: History, Mormon, Utah | 1 Comment »