STERKWORKS | Ex-Mormon Lesbian Surviving Utah

Warning: this post might contain more information about me than you ever wanted to know. So, be forewarned.

My daughter has not seen her father in almost four years. By chance last week, he happened to be online at the same time I was and we connected. Actually, he left mid-conversation and his father finished for him (weird) telling me that he and his wife would like to see their granddaughter (they have seen her three times). So, we planned a visit today.

Grandparents had a church function in Ogden, which is north of where I live. They live in Utah County (the Mormon capitol of the entire world). So, they dropped off dad and I made more coffee and cooked us all breakfast. Dad lives with his parents (temporary?) and his mother does not allow him to drink coffee in their house (yes, they are THAT Mormon). Dad has not had a driver’s license or car since I first met him 13 years ago. Should that have been a sign?

Background

At 32 I decided to have a child. I had a partner at the time, but knew our relationship would not last (a ten year relationship that went on six years too long) and knew that this decision would end up in me eventually being a single mom. The world would be a much better place if every person contemplating parenthood had to put as much thought and planning into it as I did.

My partner was in charge of finding sperm. I wanted an anonymous donor, but she talked me into a known donor so the child could say he/she had a father. Made sense; plus the chances of getting pregnant with fresh sperm was much higher than with frozen.

First choice was my partner’s brother, a gay man. I think we all were a little apprehensive. He was promiscuious, and sure enough, his HIV test came back positive so he was out of the question. It was the only time he was ever tested. He died ten years ago from a heroin overdose that he staged to look like an accident (for his mother), but in reality was suicide when he found out he had full-blown AIDS that he could no longer control.

The second donor choice was a lovely gay man in a committed relationship with his attorney partner. We spent a year in that relationship, until after testing, we discovered his sperm just weren’t good swimmers. While discussing medical options, he told me to go ahead and find another donor, knowing how much I wanted a child. I was, and still am, so impressed with his selflessness, as he too was emotionally involved in the process and with the prospect of becoming a father.

So, after six months of frozen anonymous sperm, my partner found my daughter’s father. He was best friends with our next door neighbor. He had served a mission in Georgia for the Mormon church, and had recently returned from a summer picking pineapple in Hawaii, and deciding he was gay. He looked like a bronzed god. Made him take the tests…AIDS, etc., then we were off and running.

The arrangement was that his name would be on the birth certificate, he would not be obligated for any support, I would have complete physical custody, he could be as involved in the child’s life as much as he wanted. (Legally, however, he can sue for custody at any time, and I could sue for support.) So there it was. First artificial insemination with his sperm … preggars.

He did come to the hospital and was somewhat involved in our lives for about two years. Then he kind of disappeared. Through the years if he was dating someone, he would show up at Christmas time. But the last time he saw his daughter was Easter of 2004. Until today. I understand he is doing nothing wrong under the terms of our agreement. But I feel bad for my daughter. I am glad she can tell everybody that she has a dad, but she wishes she could see him more (I know she is not the only child who feels this way). I tried at first to arrange things, but he would flake out. So I quit.

Highlights

My daughter is thrilled with this six hour visit with her father. And here are some highlights (mine):

• Dad asked daughter about herself for the first time four hours into the visit. (He spent most of the time talking about himself and the men in his life.)
• Dad has most of his upper teeth rotted away.
• Dad is on probation for getting caught doing something on the streets of Provo (he wouldn’t say) while addicted to Meth (explains the teeth).
• Dad did ask me ahead of time about gift ideas and brought daughter an iTunes card and GameStop card (she loved them).
• Dad’s mother still asks him if we are ever going to get married (I am NOT kidding).
• I am listed on Dad’s mother’s and father’s genealogy.
• Dad’s dad has a good sense of humor.
• Dad showed daughter, on iTunes, bands he liked and she downloaded some. Depeche Mode (excellent); Queen (excellent); ABBA (fun); Madonna’s latest gay-boy dance album (who still listens to Madonna?).
• Dad quoted my ex on too many things that pissed me off all over again.
• Daughter had a perfect day.

So there you have it. Everything turned out fine. They left with the “come see us more often,” which annoys me because I have told all of them that they can come see us any time. I refuse to be the bus driver to pick up dad and get everybody connected every other weekend.

Gratefully I have my daughter, and of course, I know she wouldn’t be her with a different dad. However, I will sure be glad when my daughter can drive.

Filed under: Life Lessons, Lesbian, Mormon, Family, Utah